I Chose Your Name

I Chose Your Name

Do you know who chose your name? I did, just before you were born. I remember that I was in the bath tub, I was six years old and I was with our mother… I guess you were there too, inside her enormous stomach, just waiting to come out

Nicolàs. You were going to be called Nicolàs. You were born a couple of months later, in April; I remember it snowing that day, it was if heaven wanted to announce your arrival with white smiles. When I was a kid, I thought that the day before you were born you got to choose your own family. You came down with the snowflakes and chose us. I really don’t want this to be a sad story, or nostalgic, or filled with regret, I just want you to know that I’m your brother and I’m here for you, here at last.

I was too sick to be a part of you growing up and knowing this kills me. I wanted to be there for your football games and to cheer when you scored a goal. I suffer now thinking back to you, with all of your intelligence and innocence and your desire for us to be together, wanting to share your moments with me and then the delusion of not having me there. I was never there. I was too busy throwing my life away.

Weirdly, sometimes I think that I’ve never been happier: I know that I’m here in Community and I miss home and you have no idea how much I want to get on and live my life, but I mean it when I say that I’ve never been happier and even though I’m far away we’ve never been closer.

Every time you come to visit you’ve changed: you’re a little bit taller, your voice a little deeper, your hands a little bigger, your heart a little bigger too. You’re maturing Nicolàs and you’re doing it with so much courage and a lightheartedness that has become one of your distinguishing features. It fills my heart with joy and my eyes with tears, the proud tears of an older brother.

You’ll learn from my mistakes, or maybe you already have. Sometimes you struggle to open up when I’m around, you find it hard to let me in and I understand. I’ve always shown such little interest that you find it hard to trust me. I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you and I won’t leave you anymore. I promise. I hope you’ll do better that I can ever do. You’re strong Niki and I know that one day you’ll be great. I love you and I believe in you.