I still haven’t quite figured it out. The same tired old refrain keeps repeating itself: “Lower your expectations of others”. I feel like I have a thousand razor blades caught in my throat, and in an instant everything changes. Anxiety. I start to gag, trying to spit it out. “I’m always the odd one out. A fish out of water.” I’ve always had to live with these thoughts of being less than everyone else and today I don’t have any way to escape the way I feel. No coke. No dope. Nothing. Now I’m left to reckon against myself, against this person that I’ve never accepted. I’m not enough. I try to distract myself, but I can’t find any peace because the minute I stop, my thoughts start annihilating me all over again. I keep telling myself that this is just another phase, that it will be over in a day or two, no longer than a couple of weeks. Please don’t let this go on for years. I cling to the people that have to live with me, who share this pain every day, who listen to me and watch me fall apart, who hear me scream, and then comfort me through all of this sadness. I know this will pass, everything will pass and I will be able to see some sort of positivity, but for now it’s hidden and I can’t seem to find it. It takes time. And it takes having people close to me, people that I don’t owe anything to but stick by me all the same. That’s what makes SanPa work, that I’m never left alone, especially in moments like these. It’s the people that I have around me that help me know that I will be reborn. That I will come back to life.
