“You need some sort of chaos inside to create a dancing star” (Friedrich Nietzsche)
I feel overwhelmed by the looks. I sense their judgments weighing on me like boulders. I cannot afford being a disappointment. I being the one who amazes and leaves everyone open-minded, I cannot afford a mediocre performance. Win or don’t participate in anything. “Being superior or not at all, this is the new dilemma.” I’m on the dance floor now. It’s my turn. Dance. It’s not like when I’m alone in front of a mirror with my music. I’m not alone, everybody’s eyes are on me now and many hands are clapping. I do not feel the music any more, it does not vibrate inside me, and it’s not her guiding me. I run on automate, with my mechanics, my exercises. Input – output. This is not dancing. Or rather, not what I dreamt of.
Applauses. Yes, I did well, but I take it as if they weren’t mine. I am a lot more: I am emotions, I am creativity, I am passion, grace, I am a dancer and dancing is the life in my blood.
I have to let go! Who cares about others’ judgment! I couldn’t care less of others. Insecurity, performance anxiety and expectations. I have to be myself, I have to feel, I have to let the music carry me.
Then I return once again on stage. This time it’s just me, the music, the mirror and the art of dancing. I close my eyes. It’s really me. I let myself go to emotions . I kick ass. I want the world to know that it’s me and I love dancing.
Paulo
