Fulfilling the blank in front of me
I had already been using heroin for a year. At 15, the relationship with my family was increasingly deteriorated every time I entered the house there was a fight. My father did not accept my behavior and I did not miss an opportunity to react with violence. With my sisters I had no kind of relationship whatsoever, they only thing they knew was that I caused a lot of trouble. The worst thing was that I knew I was continuously causing trouble, but in order not to feel any remorse or guilt, I chose to stay high and never sober up. With drugs I gradually felt relived from thoughts, emotions, feelings; I was there physically, but mentally I was not there. I was constantly out of my mind and the few times that I was lucid was because I had no money and therefore no drugs.
Then abstinence also took over the guilt and then it was just impossible to think of others, I only had to think about myself and how to stop the pain. That erased all physical discomfort I had around, nothing was more important than drugs. So I would sneak into my parents’ room or my grandparents’ house and steal everything that was there. I knew I was making them suffer, but I didn’t give a damn. I did not realize it, but, beyond all the evil that I was doing to my loved ones, the greatest one damaging I was doing to myself.
Two more years had passed. Two years of nothing, where my whole life sank.
I no longer went to school, I had given up football, I was all day wandering around, I did not eat, I did not drink, I did not wash … I had become really messed up. Everything else had gone into the background; I didn’t care about doing anything. I often didn’t even return home and slept on the street. I had no more money, the only way for me not feel bad was making muggings, robberies and thefts.
Then one day they arrested me. I was a minor, but I still risked four to six years.
It was at the end. What I had built around me was nothing. I was young, yes, but I had no prospect for my future, there was emptiness in front of me … I had to do something about it, that life had taken away everything from me. It was time to change direction … this time the right one…