I had a friend called Daisy, she decided to join the army. We both came from a complicated past. I lived in a bubble, I practiced individual sports, refusing agonistics and studying. I simply did it to release myself, I was shooting thriller short films and on Saturdays I saw acquaintances for a couple of hours at pubs. I lost sight of my objectives, my short films conveyed my negative perceptions and developed my creativity. She, on the other hand, came from Syria, she took drugs becoming ill with hepatitis. She was adopted at the age of 19, most likely because she was of a unique beauty; her character was of a genuine sympathy despite being a bit aggressive sometimes, probably she had built this from experiences in Syria, of which at first, she wouldn’t say … She enlisted to the army, without anyone knowing of her problem with heroine. When I met her, I rarely spoke to her, even though we were in the same section of the base. After three years, I happened to go on duty for a whole year with her and another forty soldiers, we went to a remote area where military support was needed for the police. There in the desert of Arizona, there was an immense encampment of Mexicans. Every evening I saw her coming out of the shower because my motel room to the TV side, had a window on the ceiling , it was in common with her room, when she opened the window to let the steam out, her beauty was reflected in full, received by my eyes, tired from the stressful days spent between shouts and orders to keep the wild reserve under control. My love for her grew more and more, I couldn’t refrain myself from looking at her in the meeting points. I was always searching her with my sight, I used a neutral language with her, although I lied to her when telling her about my Syrian ancestors, so that I could familiarize. The other soldiers noticed this, I was warned, I could only talk to her when she was in a group. When I spoke to her in group, though she seemed to change, she seemed to act up to be authoritarian. When we returned to the base in L.A. I saw her less often, I always looked for her when her division passed by, luckily we were always in the same section of the base, as I heard her voice in the distance I became frozen, a cold shiver then burned me immediately afterwards. As we looked at each other from far, I became lightminded but struck by the light in her eyes, as the most famous logo they remained in my head. The anguish that perhaps I was not wanted due to all the distances in complex, it killed me. Although, what gave me some hope was when she had once promised to me to stay close to me; was it just kindness, I had wondered repeatedly. Given a morbidity caused by my adolescence absent from love because I was only up for sports, and for my limited social life due to my shyness, laziness and misfortune of not having found the right friends, not excluding the true love I felt for her; therefore she was always on my mind; she helped me to keep going, considering the struggle of being a soldier. One day, I saw her lying on the bed of the military hospital; on the radio they were telling her that she had the nightshift on Christmas Eve at the watchtower. I really wanted to be with her. My uncontrollable love seemed to be shared with her, it filled my loneliness, my sadness and my delusional anguish fear for tomorrow. There, she saw me from far, she realized that I heard what they had said on the radio. The next day, in the military dining hall, I heard from some comrades that she entered the bed of another soldier girl who would be on guard with her on the night of Christmas Eve. I proposed to replace her, since she declared herself Lesbian. So it happened. As I arrived at the watchtower, I spoke to her with ease, then I embraced her, as I broke off, I told her I couldn’t believe that what I had been wanting for years, was actually happening; I started to embrace her again, my eyes met hers, I liked her so much I felt as if floodlit, when I kissed her, I saw her face in my mind as an icon. After having made love, we talked about ourselves with immense naturalness, helping each other with advices; I told her of the many vivid figments of memories I had of her, dreamlike glances from way back, she was special to me even before I knew it. It did not take long that I was stuck like glue on her, we began again with the same sensuality and love as the action done in total affection; I told her that I did not care about the hepatitis I could have, also because it would be easily cured, while my current wellbeing is due to her only. At the first lights of day, I called a taxi and we went to my house, on the trip I called the officers dismissing myself from a military career that could have rose. She did the same. Although, she was threatened by her father; she risked going back to Syria because her foster father was a famous lawyer who could actually do so. I did not see her anymore. From the bitterness I already felt for society, and my pessimistic view of things, I took drugs because the feelings of relief they gave when in total despair, as she had told me on my misunderstanding. Then I entered SanPatrignano a few months later. Since I continuously risked dying of overdoses because of the purest heroin I interruptedly used every day. I kept writing to her, she had returned to the army. She came to visit me when allowed, our love always remained alive. After so much effort, reaching a positive mind state and the ability to be around people. I went back to her, we got married; her foster father, felt guilt understanding where he did wrong. I understood how wrong was I to hold back the uncontrollable.
Benedict
