How to continue

At the beginning of the drama, I found myself leaving Italy. I was too young, but at 15, I preferred to go to boarding school in England with international people. However, each nationality made group with their respective one, I was alone. There were two Italians who reflected the feeling of exclusion that I already knew since childhood. It might have been that I was excluded for being timid but impulsive at the same time, when referring to injustices, I saw only black.

It might have been that I was a victim, due to being envied …

What most certainly happened, was that I made group with those who smoked the joints, in the beginning it was pleasant, then not only I lost sight of my objectives, I also became detached and paranoid with around increasingly more hostile people.

In the college, as in the other communities, I did not learn how to be part of a group, even though I eventually, being deported from the UK back to Milan, I hanged around with groups of healthy people; these people, during my attempts of leading a healthy lifestyle with my head on my shoulders, I, nevertheless, felt distant. Not being well, having no chance of getting a job that would satisfy me, because I did not finish my studies, due to my uprooted state. Hence, not feeling satisfied, because I did not like myself either. I felt that people thought I was cold, that I really didn’t care about anything or anyone, that I actually did not even came up to consider others. This was only their impression, I was sensitive and closed since I was childish and afraid of being hurt emotionally, because I was damaged by traumas that led me to be wary of others, always refraining…

Returning to the time of boarding school, I combined joints to Crystal Meth in addition to hard tek drug music for clubs that rarely I frequented, I only attached headphones to the sound of dark goa, and I went out of my head while sitting with spasms, day after day, in total unawareness of my parents oversea. I met a girl in boarding school. Actually, I only liked her exterior appearance, she seemed to come from another planet; she was studious and had a regular life. When I met her, however, she was drunk, as I saw her I kissed her, asking her if she was lonesome; as I got away from her, since I was so young and speechless, promptly a friend of mine jumped on her, her friends took her away. This happened because the year before at a bar counter, I kissed his girlfriend who as a result came to see me in my bedroom on the night of my birthday, all backed by drugs.

I found myself alone in the group, given my inability to make conversation and my sudden actions, but all I did had a logical basis; I felt I was not considered, they seemed to exploit me for my money, when in reality, whether I was there or not, it made no difference to them. Torn apart from my total pollen allergy, in spring, without realizing it, a friend was in front of me, he punched me in the face, my friends held me back so that I could only suffer.

Those were the last months where I took drugs in company, if not, later on to the company of drug dealers, because of the drugs I became too paranoid and blurred my sight, in fact when I was punched, I did not realize how bad I treated him, because I saw him talking to the girl who I kissed.

I managed to get a date with her. I found her in the library, there were exposed many copies of humanism paintings, remembering the several hours in the museums, spent with my father as a boy, I impressed her. The romance story did not last long, I was romantic with her, but she did not want anyone to know of us since Crystal Meth made me weird, making me look almost deformed too. She was more of a aim to achieve, she didn’t drive me crazy.

She left me, partly because she liked a girl who dealt pills to me, an acting up tough girl. I soon realized how bad is to be love sick, she secretly confided me everything, since we remained friends. She told me how bad she felt when that girl teased her, giving her illusions, when in fact she took advantage of her feelings, asking for loans. In the end, even her money was of no need, she asked elsewhere for them.

I went out of the boarding school, went to the community of Sanpa, after having spent several years of psychoanalysis and in communities for psychological counseling diagnosis elsewhere, being sedated, with partial necessity; the being alone and insecure, made me lookup too high standards of beauty I couldn’t reach, changing the view of myself that became very low. I also illuded myself with ambitions that I couldn’t reach.  I was under surveillance of my family that worried for me; This made me lose their confidence and being overwhelmed by depression and obsessive attitudes, I pushed myself because of solitude, into wrong places where I was attacked and robbed, ending up in hospital with internal bleeding to the head. Some years have passed, before going to Sanpa, where I couldn’t cope at all, in a daily basis to go on, whether because I was alone, or because I was emotionally squashed. I had a constant exhaustion that tore me completely apart. I did not want to talk … Only by topic and if I felt like it. However, I managed, day after day, with the help of those who availed me of what suits me best, staying in company, looking down to the ground for modesty and embarrassment, working hard and sometimes suffering; so that I could find myself having met valid people and having rebuilt ties with my family; from the beginning, in order not to make them suffer, I stayed as far away as possible, realizing that unfortunately my state of impulsiveness, caused only suffering. So I did not destabilize them too much, but I was tormented by my irregular life, even if very young, I had become fragile, almost autistic. But gradually, I returned normal. I understood the importance of identifying everything to make clear how to continue. I knew for certain that I went through so many delusional mind states, in past, not being easily adaptable, in a whole; but, tempering self-control as the most important thing, along with the development of my positive characteristics, came positivity, which is another important aspect, since it is also my view of things… Benedict